Hellow fellow mellows.
Before you go ahead and read this super super super long and amazing post I would like to just send out my greatest thanks to the worlds best whatsapp group mummy. Our Mazoo. The author of one of the greatest blog of all time, Life love destiny.
Thank you for all the times I kept you up till so late writing. Thank you for understanding when I was too tired and couldn’t stay up to write. Thank you for lending Nemo to me. Thank you for being the best ever. This post wouldn’t be possible without you so thank you from the very bottom of my heart.
Also thank you to the author of taking my life as it comes for the fabulous invite to the wedding of Ayaaz and Reez.
I do hope all you lovelies enjoy this post as much as I enjoyed writing it. Don’t forget to drop me your thoughts and comments down below in the comment section.
Do you ever miss someone so much that it physically hurts your heart to feel it? You happy and you doing well. You have some time to yourself, when you let your mind wander for a bit. When you actually let the memories sink into your heart and actually feel your feelings- its this unbearable fusion of anger, pain, hurt, grief and confusion. You want to express it but at the same time you don’t. Missing someone is one of the most weakening emotions a human heart can experience, no matter how strong the heart may be. It makes you realize how much you love someone. And whether you verbally admit it or not, the truth echoes through every crevice of your heart. You can love someone so much. But you can never love them as much as you can miss them.
Yes I fell. And I refuse to admit it to her but Amira was right. It wasn’t even my fault so you cant really blame it on my lack of balance in heels. It all happened when we squeezed ourselves onto the stage to greet the bride and groom. The stage was kind of small to fit all of us and when one of the guys lost his balance it caused this domino effect. Sadly, I was the last domino to be knocked and well lets just say I didn’t have anyone to hang onto and so I grabbed the closest thing, the vase display. This ended in a tragic fall which some clever person thought it was a brilliant idea to fill up with marbles. Yes I dropped all the marbles across the stage and off the floor causing a chaotic noise to which all the inquisitive guests glared at me in utter shock. Seriously, they were looking at me like I just dropped the bride down. I guess you can say I had a marbelous fall! Sigh.
I knocked my heel on the ground as I waited impatiently for yet another waffle of mine to be ready. I had already downed a mango and granadilla one and even tried a savory waffle. I was beginning to love this idea of a waffle and pancake bar. It was the best ever.
The light blinked to give me a sign that my waffle was ready and I flipped open the lid and tossed the waffle onto the large plate I had in my hand. Hmmm…what should I top it with?
I pasted three huge blobs of ice cream and put a little of every topping there was. Dare to be different…
Maybe I should talk Imraan into making me one of these in the flat. It could be my present for his fatherhood.
With a huge grin on my face, I turned around to face the busy hall…
Ayaaz and Reez’s wedding was in full swing and the hall buzzed with all the yapping and screaming. I was really enjoying myself and the only regret I had was the fact that I didnt bring along an ice cream tupperware and dhall spoon. You might ask why? Well…there was this Ice cream Machine that dispensed ice cream free of charge! Literally free of charge. It required absolutely no money to give you ice cream, not even a cent. And you could dispense how much you want. That was what they said anyway. The only thing was that these clever-jack caterers had the tiniest ice cream bowls that they could lay their hands on and that made it a tad difficult to “dispense how much you want!”. Hence, the reason I wish I had an ice cream tupperware and dhall spoon.
A group of girls walked by and I heard one of them make a comment about how I was the girl who had the “marbelous fall” and how she doesn’t know how I would sleep at night after such an embarrassment. I smirked and winked and they scurried away in shock. Haha. Did they really think I would be embarrassed by such a dumb thing?
I turned around only to bump into Zaid. Argh. What was he doing here anyway? How and when did he even get here?
I understand that he was Ayaaz’s friend and stuff but I just felt so irritated by his presence. I just didn’t feel like seeing him today. I didn’t feel like seeing anyone today. There was only one person I wanted to see. But I could never see. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever…
Zaid: well well well…if it isn’t the tumbling Sabeeha.
Me: (rolling my eyes) Zaid…
Zaid: yes its me. You seem fazed by my presence? Am I blocking your view of tuxedo guy?
I looked at him questioningly.
Zaid turned and pointed his head to someone who’s back was facing ours.
Zaid: tuxedo guy? You seem to be oogling all over him.
The guy turned a little and I realised who Zaid was talking about. Nemo. Great. This day is just going great! Pfft.
Me: ohhhhh Nemo?
Zaid: (amused) yess ohhhhhh Nemo! Thats a weird name for a guy if you ask me.
Me: his name is Naeem.
Zaid: aah I see. So you two have a thing going on?
Me: what? No! Don’t be silly. He is just some guy. And anyway, how does it affect you?
Zaid: (holding his chest and feigning pain) Aah It hurts my heart to think you would love any other but me cupcake!
HE used to call me cupcake…argh stop thinking about him! What is wrong with me today???
Me: (rolling my eyes) whatever. My ice cream is melting so if you will excuse me, I am going to enjoy this waffle of mine.
I pushed a very confused Zaid aside and strutted away. More like waddled away in this heels.
Some people were still busy taking out pictures while many had already left the hall. I found an empty table and sat down to gobble. I was still in the middle of my waffle when my phone rang. Conference call. Sigh.
Me: you guys better have a good explanation for this call. I am in the middle of something here! (I gathered a piece of waffle, ice cream and strawberries and shoved it into my mouth while I listened to them)
Naseema: whats up Amira? Did you go into labour?
Saffiyya: don’t be mad, she is only five months!
Naseema: oh. Right.
Amira: guys! MASEEHA MIGHT BE GETTING MARRIED!!!
What??? Oh my word just what? My Masuuu was getting married!
Me: oh my word what????
Saffiyya: Wow this is the good news!!!
Naseema: Oh I even forgot the samosa run was today!
Wait. She said “might” be getting married!
Me: You seriously called to say might get married? You know I might become the Queen one day but you don’t see me announcing it now do you?
Maseeha: well its not fully confirmed but yeah…I am positive that he is the one!
We all congratulated her on her “maybe its a yes” and ended the call. Trust these girls to get excited for everything. Psssht Maseeha is getting married. Mxm. They don’t even know the difference between is and might!
And I thought Amira was sick? Haha yep she is “lets plan a wedding” sick. Speaking of weddings, this one was pretty cool if you asked me. If only I was in the mood…
I heard a cough and looked up to see Zaid. Again.
This time he brought a pancake with him. He smiled and sat down. I grinned back at him and took a huge piece off his plate and into my mouth it went. Yum.
Zaid: jeez. You eat alot for a girl.
Jeez could he be silent and let me enjoy this pancake?
Me: (licking my spoon) whats that supposed to mean?
Zaid: (shrug) that you eat a lot.
Me: I know that!
We watched Reez and Ayaaz come off the stage to take a few more photographs.
Zaid: so we still on for next week?
Me: huh? Whats next week?
Zaid: my mothers function. You promised to come with.
Me: oh yeah. I guess.
Zaid: thank you!
Me: sure. What are friends for right?
I turned to look at him and his smile faded. I looked at him questioningly but he shrugged of whatever seemed to get to him and grinned back at me.
After a while Zaid got up to go. He offered me a lift home but I declined telling him that I already had one. I could have went with him but I just needed to sit around and be to myself for a while. I greeted him and told him I would see him in Durban and he took off.
I greeted a teary Reez who looked dazzling and wished the bride and groom all the best for their future together.
Bored, I took a walk out of the hall and into the garden. I sat on the bench with a sigh. A vague image of Muhammed Aqeel came to mind and I mumbled in annoyance.
Me: I refuse to be sad okay! I am happy! Exactly how you would have liked to see me!
I looked around me and realized I was talking to myself. Gosh. Pathetic.
Me: hah! I am talking to myself! Great! Just great!
I heard a shuffle and looked around to see who it was. I was relieved when I discovered that it was a cat. Any person would just think I had lost my marbles talking to myself.
It started to get dark so I walked up to the front of the hall. I should probably call my driver. And so I did. But it just rang and rang.
I sat on the bench and sighed, pressing dial for the twelfth time. Answer you silly taxi man!
The taxi service I was using was not answering my calls and I was beginning to imagine his death scene before me. It was getting really late and my mind was on overdrive. Probably all that waffles and pancakes I stuffed myself with. I started regretting eating that last pancake. Or maybe it was what this day meant. Maybe it was how this day always brought back memories that I had chosen to bury a long time ago and yet somehow always resurfaced every year on this day. Arghh!
I slammed my phone on my palm as if he would somehow feel the pain and answer the call. How on earth am I supposed to get home?
I jumped when I heard a voice.
I glanced up to find Nemo standing in front of me.
Nemo: What are you doing? (He asked curiously)
Yess…this was my chance…to get to my Bed and breakfast! My home for the weekend!
Me: Nemooo!! (I looked down at my phone) I was just uhh trying to call my driver…
Yes I was trying to sound all classy but whats to lose? I needed a ride home!
Nemo: And…? (looking around as though he was expecting my driver to just magically appear)
Is it natural to feel this comfortable around him?
Gosh he reminds me of something so vaguely familiar! Why cant I remember what???
Me: And he doesn’t seem to have any fear of death because he is not answering my calls!
Oh. My. Word. Are those muscles I see? So he works out!
Nemo: so say it then (he grinned)
Was he seriously expecting me to ask? What a gentleman. Pfft.
Me: So…can I… Can you…can you tie your shoe lace? You going to trip!
Hah! Did he think I was going to ask? Hell no. Come on Nemo! Man up and offer me a lift mahn!
Nemo rolled his eyes at me and bent down to tie his shoe lace. And I couldn’t stop staring. You know, a guy sort of kneeling down…what’s a girl to do? I had no idea exactly why I was so drawn to him from the very word go…and I suddenly felt conscious of myself. What was going on with me?
I knew that he was waiting for me to ask him for a damn lift but I kinda wanted him to offer…duh gentleman rule number one!
Gosh! Could this guy take a hint already?
Me: Urhm…So you came here with your car?”
Uhh duh? Whats he going to come with? His helicopter? Although that wouldn’t be so bad…
Nemo: No I walked the whole 20 kms actually (he grinned)
Me: No wonder you look so pale!
Wait! He is really pale! Argh, its probably the bad lighting here. So dim lights.
Nemo: (asking me cheekily) Would you like me to walk you home sabi?
Me: (playing along) I thought you would never ask!
Yes!!! Im going home! Goodbye heels!! Hello bed!!!
Goodbye waffle and pancake bar!
I turned around to look at the hall one more time and then followed him.
Nemo had me walk next to him all the way towards the exit of the large car park…was he bloody serious? ??did he really come walking? ?? Crap! What have I gotten myself into!
Me: Wait! (He paused and turned to me with a smirk) My heels. I cant walk in them! (Pause) Please be kind and take me to your car Nemo!
There! I said it! Stupid guy!!!
Nemo: you see! It wasn’t so hard was it? (and he laughed as though he had heard the funniest thing ever)
Me: Argh whatever. Just lets go already?
Nemo: Drama queen (he mumbled as he let out a huge sigh and then opened the door of his car for me)
I stood still for a second
Nemo: Need it in writing?
Me: Actually yes! I want you to write it in icing, over a cake!
Gosh I was really lame when I had too much sugar to eat!
Nemo: Keep eating cake and you’ll end up looking like it (he chuckled at his joke and I just stared at him) (he stopped laughing and sighed) just get in the car!
I rolled my eyes and got in.
Nemo drove out and I watched him as he held the steering wheel firmly and guided the car so gracefully out if the car park.
And for the first time on this day I actually saw him properly.
He looked different from the last time
Like something in him changed
Or something in him didnt change?
He looked detached.
Like he somehow detached himself from the world around him?
How did I never see this side of Nemo before?
Had he not made this side visible before?
Did I miss something?
Nemo: whatever it is you can ask you know (he smiled, But it was a different smile, it reminded me of a crack on a canvas…woah chill your imagination Sabeeha)
And I was suddenly feeling very overwhelmed.
Nemo: (carrying on) Like do you need the aircon, or more ice cream or coffee etc etc?
I didn’t need all of that….
But it would buy me time…
Time for what…I couldn’t say
But I wanted time…For some reason. I needed more time
Me: (after a long while) You wanna get some coffee?
Wait that was a fast move sabeeha
Me: I could use some considering all the sugar I had today!
Nemo: Why? do you drink your coffee without sugar? (he raised his eyebrow at me)
Me: No!! It will help me to uhh get soberfied! I think im a little high!
And Nemo burst out laughing!
I think I am a little high! Wait did I say that aloud?
Nemo:Something is wrong with you!
You don’t say!
Me: Have you got a pen and paper?
Nemo: On the side of the door….what are you doing?
Me: You going to need one To take down all the things wrong with me!
Nemo: Unbelievable! Sabeeha you are a piece of work madam! (He shook his head and laughed)
It gave me a sense of victory to know that I made him laugh.
Ew look at me getting all excited because a guy laughed at me. Get a hang on it Sabeeha!
Me: Correction…piece of art! (Pause) Wait!
He looked at me waiting.
Me: Why do you carry pens and papers around in your car? (I looked at him questioningly)
Nemo: (suddenly speaking softly) Oh the pen and paper (pause) Aara insists that I keep one in my car incase I need to jot down someone’s number plate in case of an emergency.
Oh so he is a guy of caution…interesting.
Me: Thats clever! But you also have a phone for that!
Nemo: you can’t rely on technology the way you can on good old black and white (he smiled as though he was remembering something)
And he is wise!
Me: Yeah yeah fine. You have a point. So are we going for coffee?
I have to admit. I was really in need of some caffeine right now.
Or…maybe I just didn’t want to be alone with my thoughts just yet. Could this day end already?
Why did I suddenly feel like this? A sudden irritation…I just couldn’t put my finger on it!
We found ourselves at the cafe sitting across each other. What am I even doing? What am I trying to get out of this?
Nemo stirred his cappuccino slowly and I looked into mine awkwardly.
I began to wonder if this was a bad idea.
I felt clouded by the thoughts that filled my head.
What was going on with me?
Nemo: (suddenly breaking the silence) So what’s your story Sabeeha?
I took a sip before I could answer him hoping that the caffeine would fill my veins and make me feel better but instead it just burnt my tongue. Crap.
Me: Well I dont have much of a story. Born and raised here. Mother left when I was ten. Dad remarried in Durban and carted me along. Thats Pretty much it!
Nemo: I’m sorry (he lifted his eyes to meet mines. And he didn’t flinch at all)
Me: you don’t have to apologize for my mother being a jerk!
I shrugged off the sudden feeling to pour my heart out to him and decided to ask him about himself.
Me: What about you? You look like you’ve had a lot of adventures.
I couldnt be selfish. The guy looked like he needed a shoulder to punch.
But he persisted.
Nemo: What’s YOUR story Sabeeha. (This time he said it slowly)
And so I sat with this stranger who in a matter of weeks became a friend and told him my story. The truth about me. The old me. The me before I had been stupid to think that my mummy would never leave me. The me before I had faced a heartbreak that broke me in ways that was indescribable. The me before “he” left…
I had only ever opened up about my story once before. To the girls back home. I found it hard to confide. That was just how it was.
I liked it this way anyway, nobody pitied me or judged me. Nobody could bring up the past I had buried the day we buried him.
Me: (sigh) when I was ten years old, my mum found out that my dad was going through a hard time financially. His business was falling apart and he was slowly heading for bankruptcy. Maybe he felt embarrassed to tell her or maybe he was just trying to save her from any stress or burdens, I don’t know but he didn’t tell her. It wasn’t long till the community was talking and she had found out. And so she left. My mother ran away because she was scared of being poor. She was scared of poverty. She was scared that the love of her family wouldn’t be enough to pay her bills. But We didn’t end up bankrupt. My dad worked day and night and got back on his two feet, he fought so hard to get his business back. And he did. We weren’t put in the position that he feared, we weren’t poverty stricken. Yeah maybe we were fine financially but I was poverty stricken when it came to having a mothers love and care. So I became my own mother. While I suffered the loss of my mother in my life, my best friend celebrated the birth of his sister. I was young, naive and brave. I chose to celebrate with him rather than sulk over my mothers absence in my life. We became closer that year. The year my mother ran away. He and I grew closer over the years and my dad and I took care of ourselves. I helped him and he helped me. He taught me well.I always wanted him to marry again. Not that I needed a mother. I was doing fine. But my dad wasn’t.My best friend, Muhammed Aqeel and I would try and find him a bride but we failed multiple times. We eventually gave up. My dad would never get over my mother. Or so we thought…(I smiled) he married last year. And he is happy. (Sigh) he was heartbroken when I was heartbroken too. I guess when you only have one person to hang onto, they become part of you. Their happiness is your happiness. Their sadness is your sadness.
Nemo: YOU were heartbroken?
Me: (laugh) Believe it or not I was. Muhammed Aqeel was the light of my life, he was my escape, my happiness. Where he was, I was. He was the smile to my face and the beat to my heart. And through every trial and every victory, Muhammed Aqeel was there right next to me. Helping me through and cheering me on. He made me happier than anyone ever did or ever could. And so, like half of the world, I fell for the one person I said I would never fall for. My best friend. (Nemo looked away for a second and then looked back at me waiting for me to carry on) I fell in love, just like I said I never would. And and I was devastated when he left too. Only he didn’t have a choice of staying like my mother did…After I realized I had feelings for him I started to avoid him because I didn’t know what to do. And then I found out that he too had feelings for me. He wanted to get married. (Nemo raised an eyebrow and I sighed) I was naive. Dont judge.
Nemo: (holding his hands up) I didn’t say anything.
Me: anyway his parents flipped. They said we were too young and we didn’t know what we were doing. But we were already in love. And when you learn to love someone there is no turning back. Its all you know and all you will ever know. His parents gave us the excuse that he didn’t have a job hoping that I would decide against marrying him because of that. Any other girl would have agreed and said that they would wait for him to get a job. But not me. Because that would not make me any better than my mother. What she did kept on playing in my mind and I told my father. He agreed to help us and speak to Muhammed Aqeel’s parents. we made a plan that we were sure would work. But that plan was never carried out. Because in that week, the Friday after our final exam I got a call that shattered my heart into a million little pieces. Into more pieces than my heart was made of. Muhammed Aqeel was no more…
Nemo looked down in silence. Pin drop silence. Did I confess too much? What was he going to think about me? Should I have told him? Wait…it’s not something that I am ashamed of! Argh why did I even tell him all of this? Say something!!!!
And as if he had heard me…
Nemo: Looking at you, I would never have expected to have heard this…but I guess we judge people at face value don’t we….I’m really sorry Sabi….I’ve never imagined that behind your smile and witty comments….lay a broken heart.
I didn’t look up now either. My mind was drifting further and further away…towards Muhammed Aqeel. His face flashed in my mind as though I had seen him just seconds ago. And all at once, an image of Nemo came to mind even though he was sitting right in front of me.
Nemo: I guess every person has a story deep within their heart (his voice was soft and cautious)
And just at that moment, I looked up at his face and into his eyes.
And it was as though Muhammed Aqeel was sitting in front of me all over again, with the very same twinkle in his eyes. And then it hit me…the reason why I felt the need to pour my heart out to him…the reason why I was so desperate to spend more time with him…
I started to look closely at him and saw how similar his features were. He had a much broader forehead and a more manly jawline, but the similarity was there alright.
Me: I guess so…
Me: (pause) can I ask you something?
Nemo: Of course you can..
Me: what would you have done?
Nemo looked away for a good few seconds . He then took a sip of his coffee, paused , took another sip and held the cup between his hands….as though it would burn straight into his heart.
While I waited for Nemo to answer my question, I tried to make sense of what just happened. Why was I even comparing nemo to muhammed Aqeel? Yeah they looked similar but so what? That doesn’t make them the same person!
Nemo: I don’t know…she is alhamdulillah still very much alive…but I feel as though I am dying every day…
I looked at him, confused by his answer.
And then I realised what he was talking about…
I realised who he was talking about…
It’s not as though it didn’t cross my mind before. I guess sometimes we choose to ignore the truth.
Nemo: When you’re with someone for 18 years…it’s a little difficult to see yourself without them for the rest of your life (he said it with a distant look in his eyes)
And at this very point…my heart broke. My heart broke for myself, because I never got the goodbye I deserved with Muhammad Aqeel. My heart broke for Nemo and what he was going through. My heart broke for every lady that was shattered by her man and every man that was shattered by his lady. My heart broke for every friendship that ended without an explanation or a mere goodbye. My heart broke for every breaking heart…
And for the first time in a very long time I had no words. No words that could heal such wound.
We both sat in silence for a while, our minds wandering into the horrendous land of what ifs and whys.
Nemo suddenly broke the long silence.
Nemo: What is it that they say?…There is a light at the end of the tunnel..I guess we’ll just have to keep walking until we get there (he smiled)
Me: you really believe that stuff? (Laugh) I mean come on…the guys that quote those don’t even know an inch about heartbreak right?
Nemo: Naah…someone’s heart would have had to have been broken for that quote to materialise for sure
I looked up at him in earnest. Did he really believe that? I mean yeah I healed. Yeah I recovered. But there is a hole. There will always be this big fat hole in my heart. And no matter how many lights at the end of my tunnel, not one of then would be able to fill it.
Me: so what happens now?
Me: where to from here for you?
Nemo: Away from her…that’s my only salvation (his tone struck a part of my heart)
Nemo: Call me a coward if you must but I guess it’s my way of healing…Can I ask you something
Me: (I took a long sip) yeah. Sure
Nemo: This front…This attitude…why? Are you not ever going to let anyone in?
Me: its the only way people will stop worrying about me. I have had my fair share of grievances but so what? So did everyone. When he first passed away I went into a major phase of depression and shut the world out. And then I realized that it was unfair. It was unfair to go on living my life like a morbid soul, I had a chance to life, something not everyone had. I do let people in, just not every single soul that passes my way. Its not that easy I guess.
There was a long pause and I could hear the distant click of the coffee machine every time a drink was made.
Me: its not that I dont trust people. I mean I trust the restaurants to make my food and the driver to drive my car so that should say something . But I think, when you lose someone, a part of you gets lost too. And the person you once was can never be. You lose a part of you that you can never get back. (I shrugged) I guess the trusting person I once was never came back.
Nemo: that I can relate to….and maybe I’m not the best person to give anyone advice but you’re different…and you need to let your guard down a bit (he smiled) allow yourself the liberty to cry about it, let your friends in to your heartache…you don’t shut it in the past and pretend it didn’t exist….I think Muhammad Aqeel would have wanted you to do that
Me: maybe I will. Who knows. When you put it like that, it does make more sense to let it all out. I guess the closure that I didn’t get always stopped me from thinking up the past. It just….hurt too much to ponder upon. You know, sometimes I do allow myself to think about it. On days like this…and I realised over time that maybe…just maybe what I went through was for my own betterment. Was for my own success. Because the me now compared to the me then are teo completely different people. Strangers. And If I can allow myself to say, I am a better me now than the me before. (Smile). I think muhammed aqeel would be proud of me. And I do hope that years or even months from now you can say the same Nemo. Because it would hurt me to think that you would allow yourself to stay on the ground. I do hope that you choose to use this as a lesson and rise. Rise higher than before and become the best version of yourself.
I stopped to allow him to digest what I was saying.
Me: and Nemo. I understand what you mean when you say that you want to be as far away from her as possible but think about it. Aara is your best friend, you guys were meant to cross paths since birth. It would hurt her so much if you’d had to break off complete contact. Dont lose what I never had. Dont leave her with unanswered questions and no closure.
Nemo nodded and looked down
Nemo: I will try…if you promise me that you will too.
I kept silent for a while and we sat in comfortable silence. Thinking. Pondering. Contemplating.
Sitting across Nemo and watching him in this silence made me realize something. It made me realize what letting go meant. Because I knew that once we got up from this place and I was dropped off to reality, I wouldn’t go back to my past again. Its not that I would forget all of it. Nor would I be blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts. No, I would cherish the memories, overcome them and move on.
I would accept. I would be thankful for the experience that made me laugh, cry and grow.
And suddenly, I was prepared to let it all go and grow up. To open a door, clear a path and to set myself free…
I smiled at Nemo. I was very thankful for what he gave me tonight. He gave me a chance to let out all that was bottled up inside me for four years. He thought me what letting go meant. And he gave me the chance to say the goodbye that I never got the chance to say.
Me: (grin) I will try my very best
And as suddenly and surprisingly as this entire conversation began, it ended just as swiftly. Giving rise to a new hope and giving meaning to the words that people do come into our lives for a reason. And while I didn’t know exactly which reason to pin this on, I was pretty sure that this conversation was the very stepping stone to finding peace again…For both of us.
Was that a good post or what?
For all those waiting to see whats happened to Amira, it shall be in the next post💃🏻
Drop me your thoughts and comments in the comment section below my fellow mellows. I look forward to reading what you guys have to say about this fab collab.